Hugs

I have been thinking about this post a lot lately. Actually for about 3 weeks. I have been waiting to post it, wondering if I even should but it has been on my mind almost daily. So you know, I have to share.

The Bible gives us a vision, the best that human writers can do, of what Heaven looks like. "In my Father's house, there are many mansions", "streets of gold", etc. So in our feeble, little human minds, we have a picture of what we think Heaven might look like (I say feeble and little with the utmost respect, but we cannot even fathom the greatness of Heaven) I have a vision of Cash's Heaven. In his Heaven, there is green grass with a swing set (specifically asked for by his sister), and I have pictured him several times, running into Jesus' arms upon his arrival home. I guess that's what made me start wondering this question. What do you think Heaven feels like?

Have you ever wondered that? I haven't. Not until I pictured Cash getting a hug from Jesus. What a wonderful hug that must be. My Grandma Patton gave the best hugs in the world. I used to tell people when she would hug me, it wouldn't be with just her arms, it would be with her whole body and it would be nothing but pure love in that hug. I miss my Grandma's hugs. I started thinking about my favorite feelings. Warm (not hot) sunny days, the feeling of Haylie snuggling with me, my husbands big arms holding me close, hopping in the farm truck with my dad (yes, it does have a feel), laughing with my sister, my mom - just all of my mom, that comforting feel from her. I would think that Heaven would feel like all of the best things ever. Think about that for a minute. All of the best feelings you have ever felt, in the most beautiful place you can't even imagine. How awesome is that. I haven't study it yet, but so far, I haven't found a place in the Bible that says what Heaven feels like. I know in Revelation it says there is no more pain and no more tears (Jeremy Camp did a song on this, one of my favorites), but I guess there was no way to put it in words when the words of the Bible were written. Thinking on this, there may not be a way it could ever be explained, it would have to be experienced. After experiencing what I think Heaven would feel like, how could you ever be satisfied here?

This question in my mind has caused me to do a lot of thinking on feelings. There is a quote that says "People won't remember what you said, or what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel". I question how I make people feel. I am starting to hold myself accountable on how I speak and the words I use. I guess the filter is fitting a little better and more secure.

Just a little of my thoughts for your day!

Talent

My facebook status today was sent to me by a friend who sends me verses every morning. There they are, waiting for me when I get to work, and I steal them to share on Facebook. Today's verse was - Serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received. 1Peter 4:10. I had to chuckle, because taped to my computer is another saying "Your talent is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God". If you come into my office, you will find sayings random places all over. On my desk, on my book shelf, on my walls. Even if you come into my home, you will find sayings all over! Some are funny and some are ones I have had for a very long time, but all of them have a special meaning or memory. But the "talent" saying is taped on my computer monitor so I see it every day. I probably spend 95% of my day looking at my computer tracking applications, e-mailing (and e-mailing and e-mailing) so I think it is an appropriate place for this particular saying. I need reminders. I learned at a very early age that when the day of judgement comes, I will have to answer for my life. I WILL be ashamed of things, as we all will, so as I learn more in my Christian life I learn there is a lot of responsibility with being a Christian. My Pastor said one time, "When we get to Heaven, we want to be greeted by our Savior saying 'Welcome Home, good and faithful servant'". WOW! So what am I doing with the gifts God has given me? Am I doing enough? Am I using these gifts in the way God wants me to? Am I being a good example to those around me? Coach Stoops has been given a talent. What is he doing with that talent? I can tell you! He is using his talent to be a coach. As a coach he is able touch the lives of thousands of people all across the state. As this celebrity, he is able to help raise money for children's cancer research. But most of all, he uses his talent to visit children and families and TO PRAY FOR THEM. I have NEVER been afraid to speak in front of people. Speaking to a crowd of 5 or 500 makes me no difference. So during my life I have had jobs where I speak in front of large groups of people. I have had the chance to speak to groups of people about Cash's life and give my testimony. If through telling Cash's story and how the power of prayer works, and how blessed I am, can help one person know Christ, then I hope God is pleased with how I am using the talent He blessed me with.


So my challenge to you - Use your talent! It is a gift to you, from God. What are you going to do with your talent?

For my friends - The mom's who have fought, who are fighting and who I admire.

The Chosen Mothers

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard.”

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, “Give her a child with cancer.” The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly” smiles God, “Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.” "But, does she have patience?” asks the angel.

“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it.”

“I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has its own world. She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But, Lord, I don’t think she believes in you.” "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.” The angel gasps – “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice…and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side.”

“And what about her patron Saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”


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Hoarders and motivation

I am OBSESSED with the show Hoarders. I LOVE IT and they had two hours of it on last night. When I watch this show, I can feel the stress come in and I can't not watch it. So I got home from work tonight and completely cleaned out my utility room. The cabinets above my dryer had become a catch all for the family to put things. Not any more!!! I have CLEANED! It's like my new happy place!!!! So tomorrow is work out night, Thursday is planned, Friday is another work out night and then Saturday, I have nothing planned, so it's more cleaning! YEA! YEA! YEA! YEA! Oh, and I cleaned out Haylie's clothes tonight too! I love organization, I love having everything in its place and I live with two people who don't share this same priority. So Saturday is cleaning out the kitchen and throwing things away!!! If I can keep Jason out and Haylie out, I will be able to get rid of things we have not used in years. If they are in the kitchen with me, they will say "No, we have to keep that". So see then Sunday, when we go trick or treating we can come home to an entirely clean and organized house. Monday, I've taken the day off of work to go to Children's in OKC. Monday would be Cash's 2nd Birthday. It's very hard to know your child's birthday is coming up and not be able to throw a party or buy presents. So, I am celebrating the 1st anniversary of Cash's 1st Birthday. I have asked a lady to make a cake that is a sock monkey holding a cheese puff. We (me, my mom and Tana) will be taking the cake to Children's to celebrate with all the people that helped us get to his first birthday. Jason thinks its weird I am doing this, but I have to do something. I need to do something. I want to have a birthday cake for his birthday, and I want to celebrate that we got to have a first birthday. So a sock monkey cake it is!!! I will try to post pics later.
Well, it's been an eventful day, an accomplished day and a very blessed day.
Hope everyone has a great week!\

OK, so I was in church today and listening to Pastor speak on prayer. He was talking about how to pray. How often do we ask for things when we pray. Why do we do that? Doesn't the Bible say that God will provide? So why do we feel the need to tell God what we want Him to give us? How often do we not repent of our sins? How often do we pray the same things over and over again. If we truly repent, aren't we supposed to make a conscious effort not to keep doing those same things over and over and over again. Being a Christian is not easy. It's not supposed to be. The more you live a life that is right the more the devil works on you. Why wouldn't he? He already has the non-believers, there is no challenge there. I do feel challenged in my Christian walk. I could block things out when Cash was sick, well, most things. But it seems to me now, that I am challenged more and more each day, especially when my walk gets stronger. I was raised by parents that taught me to stand strong in my beliefs. I do. I will not compromise my beliefs or values to suit someone else's needs. I have said this before and I will say it again. I have to only answer to one person at the end of this life. I have enough to answer for, trust me. I don't divulge everything I know to everyone, that's not who I am. I have about 3 or 4 women that are my most trusted friends. They are probably who know me best, besides my mom. But I will not compromise my values to tell someone what they want to hear. That is the exact same thing as a lie. I also have no tolerance for those that find pleasure in gossip. I have cleaned off some of my FB list for this very reason. We heard so many stories about what was going on with us while Cash was sick, and most of these people were my "friends" on FB. I don't have time for that in my life. It's negative talk and I don't like it. And really, how small is your life if the only way you can feel good is if you know information about someone and then tell everyone else? I feel sad that this is what brings someone pleasure. I feel sad when someone thinks they need to tell me something tragic (sickness, divorce) that has happened to someone else to see what I will say. I will not say anything. The same thing is done if people try to get information out of me. I will not say anything that I don't feel needs to be shared. My first thought is, why do they want to know? The second thought is, what are they going to do with what I tell them? If we spent as much time spreading good news, and positive conversations as we do with gossip, the world would be a much better place. All it takes is one person to start. I will start, will you?

I took a couple of days off of work this week, because of Haylie's fall break. Thursday, she had a half day of school, so instead of going home, I decided to run some errands. One of those errands was something I have been putting off for a while. I bought Cash's Christmas blanket. This is a service that the cemetary offers, its an evergreen blanket with bright red flowers and bows. After I talked to the lady in the office and wrote the check, I thought to myself, that's all I get to do for Cash this year for Christmas, our first Christmas without him. And then, IT hit. I haven't had an "uncontrolled emotional event" (aka crying) in quite a while, but I had it. Sadness is not my emotion. I don't understand it. I like anger. Anger I can turn in to something good. I can deal with anger, I can focus, I can get busy with anger as the force. I can't do anything with sadness, but be sad. This is no good for me. I have to be able to vent an emotion in a physical or verbal way. I can't quite figure out how to do this with sadness, so I just don't do sad. I wait until sad turns into anger and then I use it for good. One thing about grieving is that its different for everyone. Jason's grieving is not the same as mine. One thing I have learned is that my body will take over and not let me do what I need to do. If I come home from work and sit down, I fall asleep. I have been told this is my body's way of compensating for the emotional and physical stress I have put is through over the past year. So what is Stacie's answer to this - don't sit down. It's seems like a logical answer to me, right? But eventually, I have to stop and sit down. The really weird thing is, I don't sleep that well at night. I can't fix this process, I can't research what is going to happen next and I don't like it. So I guess I will let go of some of my control issues and try to go with the flow.
Cash's birthday is coming up and I am getting anxious. I am taking that day off and going to Children's to take some toys and birthday cake. I know that may seem weird, but it's like a birthday cake for all the birthday's they help people celebrate. I am having a lady from Ames make the cake. I have told her what I am looking for and then started to tell her why, and she said "Oh, I know who you are, you don't have to explain". WHAT? My world was so little for 6 months, I forget people know who Cash is. So we are taking a birthday cake that is "so Cash".
Hmmm, I just realize I 've been sitting here for about 15 minutes and am not tired. Maybe when I sit, I need to blog...............

Beautiful Day

Today was an absolutely beautiful day! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE fall. Haylie and I went to town this morning and picked up some fall decorations and spent after lunch decorating the front porch then after our Sunday afternoon nap we went back outside and stayed out until about 8:30. I realize that after my little blogrant yesterday, I do have so much to be thankful for. I let the physical part of this world get to me too much sometimes. Boy, the devil was sure working some overtime yesterday. So instead of focusing on the bad, I am going to focus on how I have been blessed. Here we go.
Jason, Haylie, Cash, my mom and dad, my sister and her family, Jason's family, the Theilen's, Goodson's, Haworth's, Robertson's, Cell's, Moore's, Buller's and so many more, my Grandparents, my heritage, the work ethic instilled by my parents, my job, my co-workers, Emmanuel Christian School, Family Life Missions, The Ringwood Methodist Church, my faith, my convictions, my type A personality, my daughters smile, her laugh, her imagination and her silliness, my husbands determination, his dreams, his friends, the way he puts up with me, my mom's text messages, Tana's e-mails, LeAnn's texts, going to lunch with my mom at least twice a week, girlfriends I can call or text anytime, realization that these women's friendship is more precious to me than anything, Jessica for letting me be the mean friend, sock monkies, Harley, our law enforcement family, my country, my freedoms, my health, cancer fighters, cancer survivors, cancer, Tara, Blair, Trudy, Jessica, Cindy, Leann, Monica, Gwen, Sarah, Kelly, Amy, Betty, Roiann, Margo, Erin, Robin, Lana, Dr. McNall, Dr. Petersen, Dr. Meyer, Dr. Mallory, Dr. Sexhaur, Dr. Wasti, Monica, Nita, St. Mary's, Children's Hospital, Linda Webb, Kelly Hartling, Aunt Mary, Aunt Anita, Aunt Jackie, the food they brought to the hospital, Vanessa, Brock, Shannon, Kaden, Amy, Madison, Jenny, Halynn, Mimi, Amanda, Britta, Crystal, Courtney, Asher R., Kayla, Asher E, Cash's Crusaders (just too many to list), my church family, mexican food, spontaneous trips to OKC, checking cattle with my dad, memories of riding horses with my sister, working cattle with my family, Thanksgiving with my mom's family, Christmas with my Dad's family, fall leaves, Christmas snows, spring flowers, summer days, and most of all, I am blessed because I am a child of God and I have the promise of an eternal life in paradise and a Father that loves me and forgives me of my sins.

Amazing

It is so amazing to me how family members can hurt one another so badly by "offering advice" or talking to other family members. Jason and I feel that Haylie really missed out on a lot of "normal kid things" last year because of Cash being sick. We are working very hard on trying to give her as normal a life as possible and we tried very hard to make sure she did not miss out on anything last year well, as much as we could. Yet we heard that she was being neglected and that she was sad. Really, Hayie was sad because she missed her mom and brother when they were gone, she was definitely not neglected in any way. Haylie had five count them 5 Halloween Costumes, got to have her very own Halloween Party at home, still got to trick or treat (limited of course), had a completely normal Christmas and her school life was normal and she stayed on schedule with everything. So now that we are able to spend as much time with her as possible, we are ridiculed for it because we are not bending over backwards for people who want us to change our plans to fit their needs. We make plans. We do things with Haylie almost every weekend, we go A LOT, and we are trying to soak up as much of the weekends with her as we can before it gets too cold. Haylie has not missed out on anything in the past year if we could help it, and she is not missing out on anything now. Now on to rant number 2. Cancer will tear marriages apart. It almost happened to ours. Jason and I learned how important it is to spend time with each other and not take our marriage for granted. Please be supportive of this. I will say this yet again - Unless you have walked in our shoes, in the journey we have traveled then you have absolutely no right to offer advice, opinions or especially criticism. I don't want this to sound mean or hateful, but please just let us heal. Let us do what we feel we need to do as a family unit. We will continue to smile and tell everyone that we are doing OK, and we are, but we are still healing and trying to catch up on really not living together as a normal family for a year. I should not even have to be saying or blogging any of this. We realize now more than ever how fragile life is and every day truly is a gift and we will not live this life with any regrets or look back and say "we wish we would have with Haylie"

August events and ramblings..........

A year ago this week, we were in St. Mary's with the "mystery" illness. Jason leaves for the Oklahoma Sheriff's Association Conference this week and he is a little anxious. We have already faced our first Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter and Haylie's Birthday. But this will be the first "Cash Anniversary". August 16th will also mark two days. 1-it is the day we brought Cash home from the hospital thinking he had a Wilm's Tumor and 2- it is our 6 month mark. I don't know why I needed to make it to 6 months, but I feel it will be a significant mark. Around the 6 month mark, we will be starting on a project that will hopefully expand into something bigger. You may or may not notice the last blog was deleted. I have decided to keep some of my opinions to myself. There has been some conversations in the last couple of weeks that have been extremely tough to handle and very hurtful. I am asking all of you to pray for us. No, we are not having marital problems, but we need prayers for soft hearts and easy tounges and tempers. We know something said in anger is a sin, so we both (Jason and I) are trying to not quickly respond in these situations. I'm very proud of Jason and how he is handling himself. However, I am having a little bit more of a struggle. I am a fixer. I need to fix a hurt, and I can't. I will not elaborate on this any further, but I am asking, like I have in the past, please pray for these things.
I am going to try to start working on my book this week. Since Jake is going to be gone, and we are trying to get Haylie into the swing of school, she is going to bed earlier so I will have some time at night to start typing on this. The one thing I needed so desperately was a mom. I needed another mom who had been through what I was going through. If my book can help just one mom and Cash can still touch lives, it will be worth it. I have also been feeling the tug for a change. It really pulled at me while Cash was in treatment and it has really been working overtime the last couple of weeks. I have made a decision to go back to school. This will not happen for a while because of some goals Jason and I have set for him, but probably within the next 2 to 3 years I will go OU and get ANOTHER degree. My, OSU family, please don't freak out!!! OU offers an accelerated RN, BSN program and since I already have one degree, this program works well with that. I have been trying to fight this urge, but when you are led to do something, you really can't ignore it. UGH, I guess I should have just finished this degree the first time, then God wouldn't have to be working so much overtime to get me in gear. I hate it when God kicks me in the butt. Gonna go for now, I need to get some sleep so I can be at my best tomorrow!

Changes, healing, prayers and ramblings

Vacations over

Well, today is the last day of vacation. We finished the girls' room on Friday and everything is done. Today is church and trying to get the rest of my house in order from vacation and getting ready to go back to work. Jake and I went with a group of people on the bikes yesterday to Pop's in Arcadia. It was a really great ride. On the way, I started thinking, it has been almost 5 months since Cash passed away. It doesn't seem like that long, and some days it seems like it has been forever. The reality of it all still doesn't seem real sometimes.
We received a notice in the mail the other day telling us that Haylie needs her immunizations brought up to date. UGH! I threw away all of Cash's EMLA cream. I wish I still had it so I could numb her legs before she got her shots. We haven't told her yet, we may do that towards the end of summer vacation.
Back to vacation. We had a blast at Six Flags. I did however wake up the night after and think "what did I do" because of riding the Superman Tower of Power and the Titan. I guess I can say that I rode them. It was a ton of fun and we had a really good time. My little daredevil LOVED the roller coasters and is ready to go back. She is such a funny little girl! We practically had to force her on the first ride, but after that she was all about all the rides she could get on.
Time to get the family around for church, hope you all have a great day.

Somebody actually had the audacity to say to me "why are you taking a vacation, you just had a bunch of time off". REALLY? WHATEVER! So anyway, we leave for 3 days then come home and HAVE to get the girls' room ready. We start our classes soon so that means our homestudy could happen at anytime and I HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING DONE. Jason and I said today, that means that in just 2 months, we could be done with everything and be ready to bring our daughter home.
We are going to clinic and the hospital tomorrow. We are taking some pull tabs to the clinic for a friend of ours, bandaids for the kiddos, and goodies for Cash's girlfriends. Part of me still really feels the need to be there. I guess this is normal.
I find I have no patience for stupidity or ignorance these days. Maybe this will pass soon. I also have absolutley no patience for people who scream hateful things at their children. I never really have, but it has been a very low tolerance level lately. So no WalMart for me for a while. '
OK here comes the soul bearing moment. I feel really bad for admitting this but here goes. I am having trouble praying. I can pray with my brain, but have a hard time praying with my heart. Does this make sense? I am getting better, and I think that being able to admit this means I am realizing this is something I need to work on. I know that the devil has been taking advantage of this situation and that just makes me mad, that I have allowed my self to become weak when I shouldn't have allowed it. I can't even say I'm mad at God, I just don't know how to explain it. I guess I want my answer to "Why" and I know its not my question to have answered yet, but my type-A personality doesn't accept that. I am getting better. I find that I pray better on the back of the bike when Jake and I go for rides. Those loud pipes seem to help drown out the other thoughts and I can pray with my heart then.
So prayers please. For me.
Prayers for us and a safe journey, and prayers that God places a child with us that is an "easy" fit for them and us. We know whatever child we get is one that God knows should be with us.
Thanks for everything!

So, we finally have our dates for our classes to teach us how to be parents. Hahahahaha. Actually, its what they are, but it is how to teach us to be parents to children that have been removed from their home or how to adjust from foster care to a "forever family". So now that this is moving super fast, we have to rearrange some of our remodeling plans. We were going to take a fireplace out of our living room that is for decoration only and then redo what will be the girls' room this fall. So now, we are redoing the girls' room first and then removing the fireplace. I ordered the bunkbeds today and hopefully will paint the bedroom in a couple of weeks. We are going to paint the bottom part of the bedroom mint green and the top part will be pink and white striped. I didn't think we would have to move this fast but since we have our classes scheduled that means we will have the "big" 2 hour homestudy soon. In the mean time, I have to start getting our family book ready. This is a book that tells a young girl or our case worker about our family, who the grandparents and great grandparents are, who are friends are and what we like to do. So I am asking everyone to pray that God will place a child with us that is the one that He sees needs to be here.
Our Memorial Day weekend has been very busy, with Jason's 20 year class reunion and a lot of family time. Now, today, we are catching up on all the cleaning we haven't been able to get done over the weekend. I NEED MY HOUSE TO BE IN ORDER!!! I still feel the affects of the surgery I had, so I am frustrated that I can't just clean my house without taking a break about every 15 minutes. But this is just minor. I hope you all had a great weekend!

Gall Bladder

OK, so first of all, little did I know that when I posted my last blog, I would have my gall bladder out so soon. Apparently, it was not functioning at all and needed to come out now. So I had that done on Wednesday, and found out that my body HATES pain medications. I felt better Thursday but spent all day Friday thinking I was going to have to go back to the hospital. So now that all of the meds are out of my system I feel so much better. I think it is extremely funny it looks like I have two bellybuttons now. So a word of advice to all of my cancer mom's out there. Take good care of yourselves when you are knee deep in this battle. Your body will make up for the abuse later. UGH! That's all for tonight.

Wow, what a busy time it has been! With all of the end of school year things, we have been busy busy busy! Haylie's dance recital is tonight, plus she has has her last day of school next week. Since my last post, a lot has happened. Our little friend Sicily, joined Cash in heaven. My heart aches for her parents, but they are strong in their faith, which will help them a lot. We all, us and my parents, attended the Tough Enough to Wear Pink, event at Remington Park and got to see some of our friends. Asher is getting sooooo big and is doing so good, and our little next door neighbor, (when we were in the hospital for 21 days) Hayley was their and doing so good. Her hair is starting to grow back and she is getting to start the maintenance phase of her chemo. We had a chance meet Linda Webb, Ally's mom from Ally's house and that was wonderful!
I haven't posted because I have been very angry and I didn't want my post to be just ugly. Here is one thing I am going to say. I have been having a real hard time lately dealing with some things. I want to look at people and say, "Really? This is what you are griping about?" "Your life is so little that you have to gripe about THIS?" I am having a hard time feeling sorry for people that are griping about having to stand in line with their kids, not being able to get anything done because they are tired, or NEVER saying anything nice or positive. This never used to bother me before but now, I just want to look at them and say, you know, I'm not going to sympathize with you. You have NOTHING to be upset about.
OK enough about that. We have a lot planned this summer for some fundraising for some organizations. Our Relay for Life event is July 10. We are having a toy drive and fundraiser July 17 for the children at Children's Hospital. Then, we are having the Gold Ribbon Ride on September 11 for Ally's House. Plus on top of this, here is the official announcement, we are getting ready to adopt a girl. We have completed our initial paperwork, done a preliminary background check, had our first home visit, and now we are going to sign up to take our classes and then we will have 2 more home visits and THEN hopefully we will be ready to move forward, but somewhere in all of this, I have to have my gallbladder taken out. It has decided to stop working. It's probably from eating hospital food and vending machine food for 6 months out of the past year. UGH! But you know me, if I'm not going at 90 mph and have a purpose, I'm just not happy. So, my new goal in life is to make everyone more aware of Childhood Cancer and to tell Cash's story and the story's of his friends, the survivors and the angels. God blessed me with a loud voice and an extroverted personality for a reason I guess.
I will try to post more, but for tonight that's all. Time to get the princess ready for her recital......

Haven't been on much - Sorry! I had a rough day on Wednesday. Someone once told me the grief would just hit right out of the blue for no reason. Me, being the type-A planner that I am thought "no way!". It does. It is overwhelming, I can't even explain how it feels. It is just this sudden heart ripping pain, and crying that won't stop and anger, and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! Oh my gosh, it was just unbelievable. I don't want to do it again. I am a very positive person and I don't get overly emotional about things, and this was all types of emotions that I had no control over. It all lasted about 15 minutes but, trust me, that was long enough. Luckily, it didn't last into the next day, it was over with. Thank goodness.
I am finally almost finished with the thank you notes, I think it will be right around 250 to 300 that get sent out. I have to get that done by this weekend. It's starting to warm up so I know we will start being gone more on the weekends doing things with Haylie. She got to spend the night with some friends on Thursday night and made it all the way through the night!!!! This was a big step for her. She hasn't been able to stay the night since Cash passed away.
On an awesome note, I went to give blood on Thursday and found out that I am CMV negative. That means that I my blood is considered "baby blood" and will only be given to babies. This is so cool, because when Cash had to get blood he had to get 90, Leuko-depleted, irradiated, CMV negative, O Positive. So score, I can give blood and it might go to ped's cancer patients!
Please pray for our dear friends the Zeka's. Their precious daughter Sicily is starting her journey home and her family needs prayers for peace and understanding. They have a strong faith in the Lord and are as comfortable as they can be with this part of things. They have watched Sicily fight much longer than we witnessed Cash's fight, and they know that Sicily will be going home. My momma heart aches for them, but my Christian heart is rejoicing knowing that God will soon be receiving another one of His most wonderful creations.
Keep praying!

Just a quick post tonight. I had a friend of mine post something awesome on her caringbridge and I tried to copy it over here, well, apparently my brain is fried from actually being at work for almost 2 full weeks and I couldn't get it pasted so I will try to do it later.
It has been a very eventful week. They had a fundraiser for us on Saturday and the turnout was awesome! We were absolutely amazed at the number of people that showed up. It was a woman's 6-on-6 bb tournament. It was so much fun to watch!
On Monday I found out that someone had taken Cash's temporary marker from his grave site, so I put a little notice out on facebook, needless to say, the next day it had reappeared. Jason and I received our thumbies today. These are silver pendants that have Cash's hand print engraved in them. They look so good! I'm so happy we went ahead and ordered them. We have been keeping ourselves very busy in the evenings as this still seems to be the roughest time for us. We are both working out now at the gym, and I have found it is a great way to take out my frustrations.
That's all for tonight, I am getting ready to head to the gym for my evening workout and girl time.
Keep praying!

What a busy week it has been. About Wednesday I was able to finally get back into the swing of things at work and work somewhat at full speed. I found out two very sad pieces of news this week. My friend Shannon's little boy Kaden has relapsed and he now has a second tumor in his brain. He is the little boy that has the same type of cancer that Cash had. Also, this week I finally got caught up on some Caring Bridge sites and our dear friend Sicily has also relapsed. My heart is absolutley breaking for these two children. It just infuriates me that children are dying from this disease. How does this happen? I don't understand why this is happening and why there isn't more research done for pediatric cancer. Well, I know why, because there isn't any money for pediatric cancer research. OMG, come on! WHY,WHY,WHY! OK enough for my rant.
I can't really tell if I am having a hard time with this or not. I am really avoiding looking at Cash's pictures, so I don't know if that is normal or not. We are staying super busy and we haven't really been home a lot, so I think that is helping with some things. I know we can't do this forever, because I will tell you by Thursday night, I was pretty worn out. Today we are going to a woman's 6 on 6 basketball tournament the women of Major County have organized to help raise money for us for Cash' medical expenses. Yesterday I found it bizarre that I recieved sympathy cards in the mail and bills from OU. I don't know why I thought it was weird. I mean the bills aren't going to stop just because Cash isn't here anymore. I dreamt all night about bills coming in. Of course when I get medical bills in I analyze them against the insurance company's EOB and make sure the insurance company paid correctly and the billing department has billed me correctly. So all night in my dreams I was analyzing Cash's medical bills. UGH.
Last night we went to Cafe Bahnoff in Waynoka to eat German food for Jason's birthday. We had a great time!!!! The food was wonderful, the beer was great and the company was fantastic. Because Jason and I haven't been able to spend any time together just the two of us for the past 7 months, we have taken advantage of little times when we can. Last Saturday we had Jason's mom watch Haylie so we could go out and eat and then go get groceries. Doesn't sound like much of a date night to some people, but for us it was great. For the last 7 months all of my energy has gone to taking care of Cash and making sure Haylie's life was somewhat normal. When this happens something gets left out! I have to tell you I can't remember the last time we went out to eat and it was just the two of us. I really enjoyed it.
Well, that's all for right now, I have to get the princess a bath and get ready to head to Fairview to watch some basketball.
Keep praying !

Wow!! A full workday after almost a month off of work, I am pooped!! I was able to kind of jump back into the swing of things, but I know I wasn't at my previous 100%. I'm hoping I start picking back up this week. Haylie had a great day at school and dance, Jason had a great day at work, tonight we are getting ready to go to the gym. I have to get healthy and get back in shape. It's going to be a busy week both personal and professional. I have a luncheon tomorrow for nursing students and then I have to go to settle up some things with Cash's arrangements. This weekend is Jason's birthday, and the benefit basketball game for Cash. Sunday we are getting ready for the festicle next weekend and have to get ready for another work week. Ahhhh, normal.

OK, I LOVE having a normal day!!!! Today was one of the best days we have had. Spent a couple of hours with my Grammy and Grandpa, took a nap with Haylie, went out to eat with Jason and went grocery shopping. I wrote earlier God blesses Jason and I with not having bad days on the same day, this is the case today. He had a rough day but I was able to help him out. While I miss Cash every day, today was not a bad day for me. I'm still very forgetful, which is not like me at all, and is still bothering me but I'm going to give it another week and see what happens after I get back to work. It may just take me getting back to work to kick my brain into gear. I'm still feeling like I need to get ready to go to clinic or check in to the hospital, but I know I don't. It's just that it has been my reality for the last six months and it has come to a sudden stop. My friend Jenny and I used to say we didn't know how we would handle not having to go to clinic or hospital for treatment. I'm happy to report her son has had his first NED (no evidence of disease) and that is just awesome!!! She was so sweet to drive all the way to Enid to attend Cash's service. We had over 1000 people there, wow!! That little boy touched a lot of people's lives.
I'm having a hard time praying lately, and I think it is because I am just so tired. Even though I am sleeping well at night, I think I have just been so wound up for the past 6 months my body is finally relaxing. So please pray for me since I can't right now. Please don't mistake this as I won't pray, it's just that right now I can't pray. I am trying to read a Max Lucado book that Jason bought and I can't concentrate on that either. Of course, with my mind going a million miles a minute and then not being able to remember anything, it's great! (please note the sarcasm in this last sentence)
Keep praying - Stacie

Finally a normal day

I'm feeling a little more normal today. I think it is because I am slowly but surely getting my house back in order. We have scheduled a trip to Vegas in July just for Jason and I to get away for a couple of days. I think Haylie and I are going to try to go up and see my Grandma today and visit with her for a while. Tomorrow Jason and I are going to take the crib down and deliver it and then rearrange Haylie's room. I was kind of blah when I got up this morning and saw that it was all rainy and cloudy, but now the sun is out and it always seems I am more energetic when the sun is shining. I'm hoping to get everything done around the house this weekend so when I go back to work on Monday I don't have so much to worry about when I get home. I like normal, normal is good. So today is a normal day of laundry, cleaning and visiting Grammy. Tonight I think we are going to have a mini-date night. Haylie is going to go to her Grandma's house and Jake and I are going to go out and eat and then go buy groceries. I guess my fallout day was yesterday and it seems that after I had my little meltdown, I really did much better. I know there will be more, but I am hoping that they are just short bursts and don't last too long. Jason and I have been so blessed that we don't have our bad days on the same day as one another. God has blessed us with that and how we can pick each other up on one anothers bad days. Well, gotta go, need to go see my Grammy and pick on my Grandpa.
Keep praying - Stacie

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. We went to the cemetery to pick out Cash's marker and it just really bothered me. Jason asked if I wanted to go to the gravesite and I just couldn't do it. I don't know why that bothered me so much, maybe because it is just so final. We are cleaning out Cash's things slowly and as we can. We have made a "Cash spot" in our house with our special things that we want to keep out. All of his other things we are storing in weather proof storage tubs to keep. I am clinging to silly things like socks, and shirts. But they are what I feel like I need to hold on to. We decided to donate Cash's toys, highchair and all of the unused unopened formula to the YWCA and they were so happy to receive it. The other big things are being given to individuals that need it and will appreciate it. Cash's clothes are going to his Grandma's. They are going to make quilts with it, which I think is a wonderful idea. I kept some of his clothes for me. I kept Cash's first Easter suit, his dedication outfit and a couple of other pieces of clothes that are special to me. I find that I want to keep everything but in order for all of us to start healing, we need to be moving forward and not staying still. I told my mom I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, and I feel like it could at any minute. On the other hand, we did do most of our grieving before Cash passed away. But I still miss him so much everyday. I don't miss seeing him tired all the time, and feeling bad. I miss his smile, rubbing noses with him, him telling us no, a smiling his great big smile. I am doing my best to stay busy that seems to help the most.
We have a pretty busy day planned today. Haylie is home with me today because she has strep throat, I sent Jason back to work, and I have a lot to get done today. I have almost caught up on all the laundry, and my house is almost back in order. FINALLY. I am hoping to get the rest of my thank you notes done, I have been able to do about 25 a day, but we had to go get 150 more thank you notes yesterday. I am still just amazed by all the lives that Cash touched, but I am the luckiest one, because I am his mom!
I think this is enough for today, I really need to get busy and get some things done before Haylie gets up.
Keep praying - Stacie

Today was a rough day. I cleaned out Cash's clothes to give to the Grandma's to make a quilt. I FINALLY have our bedroom cleaned up from Disney World, and my living room is pretty presentable. I think tomorrow I will try to finish the rest of the house. I find myself holding on to some trivial things of Cash's. Silly things I even think our silly but, still, I am clinging right now. Jason has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, just a regular check up then we are going to go to order Cash's marker. I'm still trying to finish up the Thank You's, we had to ask the funeral home to set out more thank you's for us. I am writing about 25 a night and with just flowers and plants alone, we have over 100 thank-you's to send. I will get the memorial list tomorrow and start those thank you's.
Haylie had a little hiccup in her day. At lunch she told her teacher that her stomach hurt so I went to school to pick her up and it finally came out that her tummy hurt real bad and she thought she had cancer. So we had a long talk about that and by the time we made it home, she was on to another subject and has been fine the rest of the day.
I received a phone call from an insurance person about Cash's life insurance. I guess since we have had the policy less than two years, there are a whole list of questions and forms the physicians have to fill out. No big deal, we are not depending on this for anything, and I understand their reasoning for it, but it was still a little painful to have to explain his whole story from beginning to end. Oh well, just part of the day.
Jason and I are both just exhausted today. I usually have a memory that is awesome, but the last two days I can't remember anything at all. I have locked myself out of the house twice, because I keep forgetting to put my house keys back on my keyring. I forget what I went into a room for. I will ask someone the same question a couple of times and not remember I asked. I am really hoping this passes quickly. I have always been able to count on my memory for everything so this is really frustrating me.
I can't believe it has been a week already since Cash has gone home. Sometimes it seems like it has been forever and sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday. Today was not one of our best days, but there is peace in knowing that this is just part of our physical world. I know Cash is in better hands in Heaven than he ever was here, even with me. (the control freak in me didn't like typing that) This is just my momma heart hurting, I need my spiritual heart to take over. I am going to stay busy this week and have my house back in order before I go back to work next week. Busy is always better for me.
Keep praying - Stacie

First time

OK, so here goes. While I have been blogging for a while on CaringBridge, this is my first actual "blog". I stopped posting on Caring Bridge since Cash's journey was over. But this is a way for me to continue on with my ramblings. Read them if you want, but please remember they are just my ramblings and my therapy. For those of you who are just joining us I probably need to let you know a little about myself. First of all, I am a Christian. I am also a wife, mother and daughter and try my hardest to live in a way that makes my Heavenly Father proud as well as live a life that makes my family and friends here proud. I don't shove my beliefs down anyone's throat, because I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. Sometimes these blogs will contain scripture that means a lot to me and sometimes it may just be a rant about traffic or someone's comments for the day. I find it funny that writing was the one subject I struggled the most with in school but now that I am not getting a grade for it, it is pretty easy for me to do. I titled the blog random thoughts, because I have a lot of random thoughts. So let's get started. Random things you might need to know about me.
I have a 5 year old daughter. She is my payback but makes me laugh everyday. I just lost my 15 month old son to cancer and am still trying to understand my new reality. I hate cancer. I will repeat that last statement randomly. I love my husband although he infuriates me because he is just as stubborn as I am. I am fiercely protective of my family and will become a "momma bear" when I feel anyone is trying to come between me and my child or me and my husband. I believe that marriage is forever. My sister is the one person I want the most when I get stressed out because she is the one person that can make me laugh the fastest. I am jealous of my sister's beauty, intelligence and her ability to make friends easily. I am very careful who I let in my life and I am very careful what I share with anyone. I now find the last statement ironic since I am creating a blog. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. I have VERY serious control issues. I am very proud of my family heritage and proud of my family history. I am not impressed by celebrity. I could care less how much money you make or how many autographs you sign, I am more impressed with what you have done with the talent God has given you to help others. I don't care if I make you mad. Well I might care a little, control issues and everything. I don't cry easily. My mom's voice is "the voice in my head". I still need my dad's approval. I need my mom's approval more. I'm always afraid of hurting my sister's feelings. I get frustrated at people who take their children for granted. I have to work more on forgiving people. I can forgive people that hurt me. I can't forgive people that hurt my family. I think my daughter is the coolest person to ever be. I never get tired of her laugh. My son was the best snuggler I ever held. He would only rub noses with me, and I love that he would only do that with me. I know what I believe in and I know what my values are and I hate it when these are questioned. I will have no regrets at the end of my time here on earth. I am still very protective of my sister. I used to not be a hugger, but I am becoming one. I only cry when I am alone. I have a very loud laugh. I hate cooking. I love organizing. I am a klutz, which is really why my daughter's middle name is Grace. Seriously. I know who my true friends are. I found this out the hard way. I was surprised by some of them. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe God loves me unconditionally, and I am very thankful for that. I believe I still have a lot of learning to do about being a Christian. I am not scared to stand up for my mom, dad, sister, husband, daughter, or any other family members, but question standing up for myself, sometimes.
I think that is enough for the first one. Again, for those of you new to my random thoughts, I usually close my thoughts, by asking for specific prayers. I will continue to do this. It's who I am. I don't use last names without permission, and sometime even with permission I still won't use last names. God still knows who they are.
Kaden - pray for a clear MRI
Shannon - pray for peace
My family - peace and understanding

Keep praying - Stacie