Friday, October 22, 2010

I took a couple of days off of work this week, because of Haylie's fall break. Thursday, she had a half day of school, so instead of going home, I decided to run some errands. One of those errands was something I have been putting off for a while. I bought Cash's Christmas blanket. This is a service that the cemetary offers, its an evergreen blanket with bright red flowers and bows. After I talked to the lady in the office and wrote the check, I thought to myself, that's all I get to do for Cash this year for Christmas, our first Christmas without him. And then, IT hit. I haven't had an "uncontrolled emotional event" (aka crying) in quite a while, but I had it. Sadness is not my emotion. I don't understand it. I like anger. Anger I can turn in to something good. I can deal with anger, I can focus, I can get busy with anger as the force. I can't do anything with sadness, but be sad. This is no good for me. I have to be able to vent an emotion in a physical or verbal way. I can't quite figure out how to do this with sadness, so I just don't do sad. I wait until sad turns into anger and then I use it for good. One thing about grieving is that its different for everyone. Jason's grieving is not the same as mine. One thing I have learned is that my body will take over and not let me do what I need to do. If I come home from work and sit down, I fall asleep. I have been told this is my body's way of compensating for the emotional and physical stress I have put is through over the past year. So what is Stacie's answer to this - don't sit down. It's seems like a logical answer to me, right? But eventually, I have to stop and sit down. The really weird thing is, I don't sleep that well at night. I can't fix this process, I can't research what is going to happen next and I don't like it. So I guess I will let go of some of my control issues and try to go with the flow.
Cash's birthday is coming up and I am getting anxious. I am taking that day off and going to Children's to take some toys and birthday cake. I know that may seem weird, but it's like a birthday cake for all the birthday's they help people celebrate. I am having a lady from Ames make the cake. I have told her what I am looking for and then started to tell her why, and she said "Oh, I know who you are, you don't have to explain". WHAT? My world was so little for 6 months, I forget people know who Cash is. So we are taking a birthday cake that is "so Cash".
Hmmm, I just realize I 've been sitting here for about 15 minutes and am not tired. Maybe when I sit, I need to blog...............

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