Friday, February 26, 2010

OK, I LOVE having a normal day!!!! Today was one of the best days we have had. Spent a couple of hours with my Grammy and Grandpa, took a nap with Haylie, went out to eat with Jason and went grocery shopping. I wrote earlier God blesses Jason and I with not having bad days on the same day, this is the case today. He had a rough day but I was able to help him out. While I miss Cash every day, today was not a bad day for me. I'm still very forgetful, which is not like me at all, and is still bothering me but I'm going to give it another week and see what happens after I get back to work. It may just take me getting back to work to kick my brain into gear. I'm still feeling like I need to get ready to go to clinic or check in to the hospital, but I know I don't. It's just that it has been my reality for the last six months and it has come to a sudden stop. My friend Jenny and I used to say we didn't know how we would handle not having to go to clinic or hospital for treatment. I'm happy to report her son has had his first NED (no evidence of disease) and that is just awesome!!! She was so sweet to drive all the way to Enid to attend Cash's service. We had over 1000 people there, wow!! That little boy touched a lot of people's lives.
I'm having a hard time praying lately, and I think it is because I am just so tired. Even though I am sleeping well at night, I think I have just been so wound up for the past 6 months my body is finally relaxing. So please pray for me since I can't right now. Please don't mistake this as I won't pray, it's just that right now I can't pray. I am trying to read a Max Lucado book that Jason bought and I can't concentrate on that either. Of course, with my mind going a million miles a minute and then not being able to remember anything, it's great! (please note the sarcasm in this last sentence)
Keep praying - Stacie

Finally a normal day

I'm feeling a little more normal today. I think it is because I am slowly but surely getting my house back in order. We have scheduled a trip to Vegas in July just for Jason and I to get away for a couple of days. I think Haylie and I are going to try to go up and see my Grandma today and visit with her for a while. Tomorrow Jason and I are going to take the crib down and deliver it and then rearrange Haylie's room. I was kind of blah when I got up this morning and saw that it was all rainy and cloudy, but now the sun is out and it always seems I am more energetic when the sun is shining. I'm hoping to get everything done around the house this weekend so when I go back to work on Monday I don't have so much to worry about when I get home. I like normal, normal is good. So today is a normal day of laundry, cleaning and visiting Grammy. Tonight I think we are going to have a mini-date night. Haylie is going to go to her Grandma's house and Jake and I are going to go out and eat and then go buy groceries. I guess my fallout day was yesterday and it seems that after I had my little meltdown, I really did much better. I know there will be more, but I am hoping that they are just short bursts and don't last too long. Jason and I have been so blessed that we don't have our bad days on the same day as one another. God has blessed us with that and how we can pick each other up on one anothers bad days. Well, gotta go, need to go see my Grammy and pick on my Grandpa.
Keep praying - Stacie

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. We went to the cemetery to pick out Cash's marker and it just really bothered me. Jason asked if I wanted to go to the gravesite and I just couldn't do it. I don't know why that bothered me so much, maybe because it is just so final. We are cleaning out Cash's things slowly and as we can. We have made a "Cash spot" in our house with our special things that we want to keep out. All of his other things we are storing in weather proof storage tubs to keep. I am clinging to silly things like socks, and shirts. But they are what I feel like I need to hold on to. We decided to donate Cash's toys, highchair and all of the unused unopened formula to the YWCA and they were so happy to receive it. The other big things are being given to individuals that need it and will appreciate it. Cash's clothes are going to his Grandma's. They are going to make quilts with it, which I think is a wonderful idea. I kept some of his clothes for me. I kept Cash's first Easter suit, his dedication outfit and a couple of other pieces of clothes that are special to me. I find that I want to keep everything but in order for all of us to start healing, we need to be moving forward and not staying still. I told my mom I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, and I feel like it could at any minute. On the other hand, we did do most of our grieving before Cash passed away. But I still miss him so much everyday. I don't miss seeing him tired all the time, and feeling bad. I miss his smile, rubbing noses with him, him telling us no, a smiling his great big smile. I am doing my best to stay busy that seems to help the most.
We have a pretty busy day planned today. Haylie is home with me today because she has strep throat, I sent Jason back to work, and I have a lot to get done today. I have almost caught up on all the laundry, and my house is almost back in order. FINALLY. I am hoping to get the rest of my thank you notes done, I have been able to do about 25 a day, but we had to go get 150 more thank you notes yesterday. I am still just amazed by all the lives that Cash touched, but I am the luckiest one, because I am his mom!
I think this is enough for today, I really need to get busy and get some things done before Haylie gets up.
Keep praying - Stacie

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Today was a rough day. I cleaned out Cash's clothes to give to the Grandma's to make a quilt. I FINALLY have our bedroom cleaned up from Disney World, and my living room is pretty presentable. I think tomorrow I will try to finish the rest of the house. I find myself holding on to some trivial things of Cash's. Silly things I even think our silly but, still, I am clinging right now. Jason has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, just a regular check up then we are going to go to order Cash's marker. I'm still trying to finish up the Thank You's, we had to ask the funeral home to set out more thank you's for us. I am writing about 25 a night and with just flowers and plants alone, we have over 100 thank-you's to send. I will get the memorial list tomorrow and start those thank you's.
Haylie had a little hiccup in her day. At lunch she told her teacher that her stomach hurt so I went to school to pick her up and it finally came out that her tummy hurt real bad and she thought she had cancer. So we had a long talk about that and by the time we made it home, she was on to another subject and has been fine the rest of the day.
I received a phone call from an insurance person about Cash's life insurance. I guess since we have had the policy less than two years, there are a whole list of questions and forms the physicians have to fill out. No big deal, we are not depending on this for anything, and I understand their reasoning for it, but it was still a little painful to have to explain his whole story from beginning to end. Oh well, just part of the day.
Jason and I are both just exhausted today. I usually have a memory that is awesome, but the last two days I can't remember anything at all. I have locked myself out of the house twice, because I keep forgetting to put my house keys back on my keyring. I forget what I went into a room for. I will ask someone the same question a couple of times and not remember I asked. I am really hoping this passes quickly. I have always been able to count on my memory for everything so this is really frustrating me.
I can't believe it has been a week already since Cash has gone home. Sometimes it seems like it has been forever and sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday. Today was not one of our best days, but there is peace in knowing that this is just part of our physical world. I know Cash is in better hands in Heaven than he ever was here, even with me. (the control freak in me didn't like typing that) This is just my momma heart hurting, I need my spiritual heart to take over. I am going to stay busy this week and have my house back in order before I go back to work next week. Busy is always better for me.
Keep praying - Stacie

Monday, February 22, 2010

First time

OK, so here goes. While I have been blogging for a while on CaringBridge, this is my first actual "blog". I stopped posting on Caring Bridge since Cash's journey was over. But this is a way for me to continue on with my ramblings. Read them if you want, but please remember they are just my ramblings and my therapy. For those of you who are just joining us I probably need to let you know a little about myself. First of all, I am a Christian. I am also a wife, mother and daughter and try my hardest to live in a way that makes my Heavenly Father proud as well as live a life that makes my family and friends here proud. I don't shove my beliefs down anyone's throat, because I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. Sometimes these blogs will contain scripture that means a lot to me and sometimes it may just be a rant about traffic or someone's comments for the day. I find it funny that writing was the one subject I struggled the most with in school but now that I am not getting a grade for it, it is pretty easy for me to do. I titled the blog random thoughts, because I have a lot of random thoughts. So let's get started. Random things you might need to know about me.
I have a 5 year old daughter. She is my payback but makes me laugh everyday. I just lost my 15 month old son to cancer and am still trying to understand my new reality. I hate cancer. I will repeat that last statement randomly. I love my husband although he infuriates me because he is just as stubborn as I am. I am fiercely protective of my family and will become a "momma bear" when I feel anyone is trying to come between me and my child or me and my husband. I believe that marriage is forever. My sister is the one person I want the most when I get stressed out because she is the one person that can make me laugh the fastest. I am jealous of my sister's beauty, intelligence and her ability to make friends easily. I am very careful who I let in my life and I am very careful what I share with anyone. I now find the last statement ironic since I am creating a blog. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. I have VERY serious control issues. I am very proud of my family heritage and proud of my family history. I am not impressed by celebrity. I could care less how much money you make or how many autographs you sign, I am more impressed with what you have done with the talent God has given you to help others. I don't care if I make you mad. Well I might care a little, control issues and everything. I don't cry easily. My mom's voice is "the voice in my head". I still need my dad's approval. I need my mom's approval more. I'm always afraid of hurting my sister's feelings. I get frustrated at people who take their children for granted. I have to work more on forgiving people. I can forgive people that hurt me. I can't forgive people that hurt my family. I think my daughter is the coolest person to ever be. I never get tired of her laugh. My son was the best snuggler I ever held. He would only rub noses with me, and I love that he would only do that with me. I know what I believe in and I know what my values are and I hate it when these are questioned. I will have no regrets at the end of my time here on earth. I am still very protective of my sister. I used to not be a hugger, but I am becoming one. I only cry when I am alone. I have a very loud laugh. I hate cooking. I love organizing. I am a klutz, which is really why my daughter's middle name is Grace. Seriously. I know who my true friends are. I found this out the hard way. I was surprised by some of them. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe God loves me unconditionally, and I am very thankful for that. I believe I still have a lot of learning to do about being a Christian. I am not scared to stand up for my mom, dad, sister, husband, daughter, or any other family members, but question standing up for myself, sometimes.
I think that is enough for the first one. Again, for those of you new to my random thoughts, I usually close my thoughts, by asking for specific prayers. I will continue to do this. It's who I am. I don't use last names without permission, and sometime even with permission I still won't use last names. God still knows who they are.
Kaden - pray for a clear MRI
Shannon - pray for peace
My family - peace and understanding

Keep praying - Stacie