Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hello, again

There comes times in our lives and in our healing, that we have to take a step back and just "be". I have had to do that. I was becoming so immersed in trying to make time slow down and try to make us stop moving so far from where Cash was I was losing myself. It wasn't good. It came down to one day, or night, when I was going to bed and I couldn't remember the last time I prayed. OH NO! So I tried to pray, but couldn't pray with my heart. OH NO! There were several other things going on with my life, that I'm not going to share, but I realized I was in a place that was not good. There are only about four people that know exactly what I'm talking about. So now it's about three months from my "bottom" and I can say, "Whew, it's good to be back!" I'm still struggling with some things, but I am very hopeful and my spirit is good.

I have started doing a lot of wondering and realization about my faith. The other day I went for a ride with Jason on the bike. Many of you know, this is where I pray the best! So I prayed for protection for all of us out on the bikes and I prayed for protection for Haylie that day. I'm a worrier, and if she is not with me I worry a lot if she is OK. I don't apologize for this, and I don't think any parent that has had a child go to heaven would apologize for worrying about the child that is with them. I prayed for God to send his angels to protect her and to keep her safe all day. That's it. All day long I was at peace. How awesome is our God! To give me peace and to take my worry. But then I realized, this is faith. It is asking God to protect someone or to heal someone and then turning it all over to Him, not to keep any of it for ourselves. How many times in our walk do we pray for healing and still worry if it will happen? How many times do we worry about our job and about what other people think about us? Why do we worry about things that don't matter? How many times do you drive by the car dealerships and covet the cars in the lot. Wanting = Coveting. Do I want a new Tahoe, two months ago, yes. Today, no. I am happy to have the vehicle I have because it is great. Do I want the 2500 square foot house so my family and friends would be impressed with how well I have done? Two months ago, yes. Today, no. I'm happy with my 1200 square foot house that was my grandparents. This is where my daughter learned to walk, its where we brought our son home, its where we have made our family memories. Before that, it's where we had family Thanksgivings with Grandma and shared laughs, smiles and hugs. No I love my house and it is perfect for us.
Luke 12:15 says "Then he said,"Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own." How do you measure your life? If you measure it by how much you own, you are poor. If you measure your life by your works and your faith, you are rich! I am rich.
I feel the path I have been chosen to walk has blessed me beyond measure. How lucky am I to have been chosen to be Haylie and Cash's mom. I see riches in life that many people don't. My wealth is in my daughter's smile and her laugh. My reward is her praying heart and an understanding of being a Christian at the age of 7 that most adults don't have. My comfort is knowing my son is healed and he is just fine, and I don't worry about him any more. My peace is God's grace. It comforts me and I am thankful. My conviction is what helps guide me. How great it would be without conviction! But that will happen when I go home, I cannot walk this earth without conviction. I am thankful for that conviction.
This week I am hopeful, and I like feeling hopeful.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Long time no see!

It has been exactly 7 months since my last post. A lot has happened, not so much in the physical but in the emotional. We have completed all of our adoption paperwork and have bee approved to adopt, now we are just waiting for a "match". We have actually matched twice by our case worker, but the child's caseworker did not pick us to match with the child. It is a long, drawn out, confusing process but we are rolling along.

We successfully made it past our one year mark since Cash's passing. A lot of intense feelings happened during that time and a lot of anger, which is why I quit posting. I can't even describe the amount of anger that consumed me, but I was NEVER angry at God. I was just angry. I had no patience for anyone or anything. But I am over that now. Thank goodness, I don't like being angry all the time. I like angry in small doses, I can ball it up and use it for good, but I can't do angry all the time. It's exhausting.

On to other things. We have been very busy this summer and we are all gearing up for school. We have completed Relay for Life again and are in the process of gearing up for our second Poker Run and planning for much success. We have also been able to tell Cash's story and use our experience to help raise money for the Toby Keith OK Kids Korral. A house for families of children fighting cancer to stay while they are fighting. It has been the best thing for us as far as healing and being able to do something good.

Hope to be able to update on more later!