Yesterday was a really rough day for me. We went to the cemetery to pick out Cash's marker and it just really bothered me. Jason asked if I wanted to go to the gravesite and I just couldn't do it. I don't know why that bothered me so much, maybe because it is just so final. We are cleaning out Cash's things slowly and as we can. We have made a "Cash spot" in our house with our special things that we want to keep out. All of his other things we are storing in weather proof storage tubs to keep. I am clinging to silly things like socks, and shirts. But they are what I feel like I need to hold on to. We decided to donate Cash's toys, highchair and all of the unused unopened formula to the YWCA and they were so happy to receive it. The other big things are being given to individuals that need it and will appreciate it. Cash's clothes are going to his Grandma's. They are going to make quilts with it, which I think is a wonderful idea. I kept some of his clothes for me. I kept Cash's first Easter suit, his dedication outfit and a couple of other pieces of clothes that are special to me. I find that I want to keep everything but in order for all of us to start healing, we need to be moving forward and not staying still. I told my mom I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, and I feel like it could at any minute. On the other hand, we did do most of our grieving before Cash passed away. But I still miss him so much everyday. I don't miss seeing him tired all the time, and feeling bad. I miss his smile, rubbing noses with him, him telling us no, a smiling his great big smile. I am doing my best to stay busy that seems to help the most.
We have a pretty busy day planned today. Haylie is home with me today because she has strep throat, I sent Jason back to work, and I have a lot to get done today. I have almost caught up on all the laundry, and my house is almost back in order. FINALLY. I am hoping to get the rest of my thank you notes done, I have been able to do about 25 a day, but we had to go get 150 more thank you notes yesterday. I am still just amazed by all the lives that Cash touched, but I am the luckiest one, because I am his mom!
I think this is enough for today, I really need to get busy and get some things done before Haylie gets up.
Keep praying - Stacie