Haven't been on much - Sorry! I had a rough day on Wednesday. Someone once told me the grief would just hit right out of the blue for no reason. Me, being the type-A planner that I am thought "no way!". It does. It is overwhelming, I can't even explain how it feels. It is just this sudden heart ripping pain, and crying that won't stop and anger, and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! Oh my gosh, it was just unbelievable. I don't want to do it again. I am a very positive person and I don't get overly emotional about things, and this was all types of emotions that I had no control over. It all lasted about 15 minutes but, trust me, that was long enough. Luckily, it didn't last into the next day, it was over with. Thank goodness.
I am finally almost finished with the thank you notes, I think it will be right around 250 to 300 that get sent out. I have to get that done by this weekend. It's starting to warm up so I know we will start being gone more on the weekends doing things with Haylie. She got to spend the night with some friends on Thursday night and made it all the way through the night!!!! This was a big step for her. She hasn't been able to stay the night since Cash passed away.
On an awesome note, I went to give blood on Thursday and found out that I am CMV negative. That means that I my blood is considered "baby blood" and will only be given to babies. This is so cool, because when Cash had to get blood he had to get 90, Leuko-depleted, irradiated, CMV negative, O Positive. So score, I can give blood and it might go to ped's cancer patients!
Please pray for our dear friends the Zeka's. Their precious daughter Sicily is starting her journey home and her family needs prayers for peace and understanding. They have a strong faith in the Lord and are as comfortable as they can be with this part of things. They have watched Sicily fight much longer than we witnessed Cash's fight, and they know that Sicily will be going home. My momma heart aches for them, but my Christian heart is rejoicing knowing that God will soon be receiving another one of His most wonderful creations.
Keep praying!

Just a quick post tonight. I had a friend of mine post something awesome on her caringbridge and I tried to copy it over here, well, apparently my brain is fried from actually being at work for almost 2 full weeks and I couldn't get it pasted so I will try to do it later.
It has been a very eventful week. They had a fundraiser for us on Saturday and the turnout was awesome! We were absolutely amazed at the number of people that showed up. It was a woman's 6-on-6 bb tournament. It was so much fun to watch!
On Monday I found out that someone had taken Cash's temporary marker from his grave site, so I put a little notice out on facebook, needless to say, the next day it had reappeared. Jason and I received our thumbies today. These are silver pendants that have Cash's hand print engraved in them. They look so good! I'm so happy we went ahead and ordered them. We have been keeping ourselves very busy in the evenings as this still seems to be the roughest time for us. We are both working out now at the gym, and I have found it is a great way to take out my frustrations.
That's all for tonight, I am getting ready to head to the gym for my evening workout and girl time.
Keep praying!

What a busy week it has been. About Wednesday I was able to finally get back into the swing of things at work and work somewhat at full speed. I found out two very sad pieces of news this week. My friend Shannon's little boy Kaden has relapsed and he now has a second tumor in his brain. He is the little boy that has the same type of cancer that Cash had. Also, this week I finally got caught up on some Caring Bridge sites and our dear friend Sicily has also relapsed. My heart is absolutley breaking for these two children. It just infuriates me that children are dying from this disease. How does this happen? I don't understand why this is happening and why there isn't more research done for pediatric cancer. Well, I know why, because there isn't any money for pediatric cancer research. OMG, come on! WHY,WHY,WHY! OK enough for my rant.
I can't really tell if I am having a hard time with this or not. I am really avoiding looking at Cash's pictures, so I don't know if that is normal or not. We are staying super busy and we haven't really been home a lot, so I think that is helping with some things. I know we can't do this forever, because I will tell you by Thursday night, I was pretty worn out. Today we are going to a woman's 6 on 6 basketball tournament the women of Major County have organized to help raise money for us for Cash' medical expenses. Yesterday I found it bizarre that I recieved sympathy cards in the mail and bills from OU. I don't know why I thought it was weird. I mean the bills aren't going to stop just because Cash isn't here anymore. I dreamt all night about bills coming in. Of course when I get medical bills in I analyze them against the insurance company's EOB and make sure the insurance company paid correctly and the billing department has billed me correctly. So all night in my dreams I was analyzing Cash's medical bills. UGH.
Last night we went to Cafe Bahnoff in Waynoka to eat German food for Jason's birthday. We had a great time!!!! The food was wonderful, the beer was great and the company was fantastic. Because Jason and I haven't been able to spend any time together just the two of us for the past 7 months, we have taken advantage of little times when we can. Last Saturday we had Jason's mom watch Haylie so we could go out and eat and then go get groceries. Doesn't sound like much of a date night to some people, but for us it was great. For the last 7 months all of my energy has gone to taking care of Cash and making sure Haylie's life was somewhat normal. When this happens something gets left out! I have to tell you I can't remember the last time we went out to eat and it was just the two of us. I really enjoyed it.
Well, that's all for right now, I have to get the princess a bath and get ready to head to Fairview to watch some basketball.
Keep praying !

Wow!! A full workday after almost a month off of work, I am pooped!! I was able to kind of jump back into the swing of things, but I know I wasn't at my previous 100%. I'm hoping I start picking back up this week. Haylie had a great day at school and dance, Jason had a great day at work, tonight we are getting ready to go to the gym. I have to get healthy and get back in shape. It's going to be a busy week both personal and professional. I have a luncheon tomorrow for nursing students and then I have to go to settle up some things with Cash's arrangements. This weekend is Jason's birthday, and the benefit basketball game for Cash. Sunday we are getting ready for the festicle next weekend and have to get ready for another work week. Ahhhh, normal.

OK, I LOVE having a normal day!!!! Today was one of the best days we have had. Spent a couple of hours with my Grammy and Grandpa, took a nap with Haylie, went out to eat with Jason and went grocery shopping. I wrote earlier God blesses Jason and I with not having bad days on the same day, this is the case today. He had a rough day but I was able to help him out. While I miss Cash every day, today was not a bad day for me. I'm still very forgetful, which is not like me at all, and is still bothering me but I'm going to give it another week and see what happens after I get back to work. It may just take me getting back to work to kick my brain into gear. I'm still feeling like I need to get ready to go to clinic or check in to the hospital, but I know I don't. It's just that it has been my reality for the last six months and it has come to a sudden stop. My friend Jenny and I used to say we didn't know how we would handle not having to go to clinic or hospital for treatment. I'm happy to report her son has had his first NED (no evidence of disease) and that is just awesome!!! She was so sweet to drive all the way to Enid to attend Cash's service. We had over 1000 people there, wow!! That little boy touched a lot of people's lives.
I'm having a hard time praying lately, and I think it is because I am just so tired. Even though I am sleeping well at night, I think I have just been so wound up for the past 6 months my body is finally relaxing. So please pray for me since I can't right now. Please don't mistake this as I won't pray, it's just that right now I can't pray. I am trying to read a Max Lucado book that Jason bought and I can't concentrate on that either. Of course, with my mind going a million miles a minute and then not being able to remember anything, it's great! (please note the sarcasm in this last sentence)
Keep praying - Stacie

Finally a normal day

I'm feeling a little more normal today. I think it is because I am slowly but surely getting my house back in order. We have scheduled a trip to Vegas in July just for Jason and I to get away for a couple of days. I think Haylie and I are going to try to go up and see my Grandma today and visit with her for a while. Tomorrow Jason and I are going to take the crib down and deliver it and then rearrange Haylie's room. I was kind of blah when I got up this morning and saw that it was all rainy and cloudy, but now the sun is out and it always seems I am more energetic when the sun is shining. I'm hoping to get everything done around the house this weekend so when I go back to work on Monday I don't have so much to worry about when I get home. I like normal, normal is good. So today is a normal day of laundry, cleaning and visiting Grammy. Tonight I think we are going to have a mini-date night. Haylie is going to go to her Grandma's house and Jake and I are going to go out and eat and then go buy groceries. I guess my fallout day was yesterday and it seems that after I had my little meltdown, I really did much better. I know there will be more, but I am hoping that they are just short bursts and don't last too long. Jason and I have been so blessed that we don't have our bad days on the same day as one another. God has blessed us with that and how we can pick each other up on one anothers bad days. Well, gotta go, need to go see my Grammy and pick on my Grandpa.
Keep praying - Stacie

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. We went to the cemetery to pick out Cash's marker and it just really bothered me. Jason asked if I wanted to go to the gravesite and I just couldn't do it. I don't know why that bothered me so much, maybe because it is just so final. We are cleaning out Cash's things slowly and as we can. We have made a "Cash spot" in our house with our special things that we want to keep out. All of his other things we are storing in weather proof storage tubs to keep. I am clinging to silly things like socks, and shirts. But they are what I feel like I need to hold on to. We decided to donate Cash's toys, highchair and all of the unused unopened formula to the YWCA and they were so happy to receive it. The other big things are being given to individuals that need it and will appreciate it. Cash's clothes are going to his Grandma's. They are going to make quilts with it, which I think is a wonderful idea. I kept some of his clothes for me. I kept Cash's first Easter suit, his dedication outfit and a couple of other pieces of clothes that are special to me. I find that I want to keep everything but in order for all of us to start healing, we need to be moving forward and not staying still. I told my mom I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, and I feel like it could at any minute. On the other hand, we did do most of our grieving before Cash passed away. But I still miss him so much everyday. I don't miss seeing him tired all the time, and feeling bad. I miss his smile, rubbing noses with him, him telling us no, a smiling his great big smile. I am doing my best to stay busy that seems to help the most.
We have a pretty busy day planned today. Haylie is home with me today because she has strep throat, I sent Jason back to work, and I have a lot to get done today. I have almost caught up on all the laundry, and my house is almost back in order. FINALLY. I am hoping to get the rest of my thank you notes done, I have been able to do about 25 a day, but we had to go get 150 more thank you notes yesterday. I am still just amazed by all the lives that Cash touched, but I am the luckiest one, because I am his mom!
I think this is enough for today, I really need to get busy and get some things done before Haylie gets up.
Keep praying - Stacie