Hoarders and motivation

I am OBSESSED with the show Hoarders. I LOVE IT and they had two hours of it on last night. When I watch this show, I can feel the stress come in and I can't not watch it. So I got home from work tonight and completely cleaned out my utility room. The cabinets above my dryer had become a catch all for the family to put things. Not any more!!! I have CLEANED! It's like my new happy place!!!! So tomorrow is work out night, Thursday is planned, Friday is another work out night and then Saturday, I have nothing planned, so it's more cleaning! YEA! YEA! YEA! YEA! Oh, and I cleaned out Haylie's clothes tonight too! I love organization, I love having everything in its place and I live with two people who don't share this same priority. So Saturday is cleaning out the kitchen and throwing things away!!! If I can keep Jason out and Haylie out, I will be able to get rid of things we have not used in years. If they are in the kitchen with me, they will say "No, we have to keep that". So see then Sunday, when we go trick or treating we can come home to an entirely clean and organized house. Monday, I've taken the day off of work to go to Children's in OKC. Monday would be Cash's 2nd Birthday. It's very hard to know your child's birthday is coming up and not be able to throw a party or buy presents. So, I am celebrating the 1st anniversary of Cash's 1st Birthday. I have asked a lady to make a cake that is a sock monkey holding a cheese puff. We (me, my mom and Tana) will be taking the cake to Children's to celebrate with all the people that helped us get to his first birthday. Jason thinks its weird I am doing this, but I have to do something. I need to do something. I want to have a birthday cake for his birthday, and I want to celebrate that we got to have a first birthday. So a sock monkey cake it is!!! I will try to post pics later.
Well, it's been an eventful day, an accomplished day and a very blessed day.
Hope everyone has a great week!\

OK, so I was in church today and listening to Pastor speak on prayer. He was talking about how to pray. How often do we ask for things when we pray. Why do we do that? Doesn't the Bible say that God will provide? So why do we feel the need to tell God what we want Him to give us? How often do we not repent of our sins? How often do we pray the same things over and over again. If we truly repent, aren't we supposed to make a conscious effort not to keep doing those same things over and over and over again. Being a Christian is not easy. It's not supposed to be. The more you live a life that is right the more the devil works on you. Why wouldn't he? He already has the non-believers, there is no challenge there. I do feel challenged in my Christian walk. I could block things out when Cash was sick, well, most things. But it seems to me now, that I am challenged more and more each day, especially when my walk gets stronger. I was raised by parents that taught me to stand strong in my beliefs. I do. I will not compromise my beliefs or values to suit someone else's needs. I have said this before and I will say it again. I have to only answer to one person at the end of this life. I have enough to answer for, trust me. I don't divulge everything I know to everyone, that's not who I am. I have about 3 or 4 women that are my most trusted friends. They are probably who know me best, besides my mom. But I will not compromise my values to tell someone what they want to hear. That is the exact same thing as a lie. I also have no tolerance for those that find pleasure in gossip. I have cleaned off some of my FB list for this very reason. We heard so many stories about what was going on with us while Cash was sick, and most of these people were my "friends" on FB. I don't have time for that in my life. It's negative talk and I don't like it. And really, how small is your life if the only way you can feel good is if you know information about someone and then tell everyone else? I feel sad that this is what brings someone pleasure. I feel sad when someone thinks they need to tell me something tragic (sickness, divorce) that has happened to someone else to see what I will say. I will not say anything. The same thing is done if people try to get information out of me. I will not say anything that I don't feel needs to be shared. My first thought is, why do they want to know? The second thought is, what are they going to do with what I tell them? If we spent as much time spreading good news, and positive conversations as we do with gossip, the world would be a much better place. All it takes is one person to start. I will start, will you?

I took a couple of days off of work this week, because of Haylie's fall break. Thursday, she had a half day of school, so instead of going home, I decided to run some errands. One of those errands was something I have been putting off for a while. I bought Cash's Christmas blanket. This is a service that the cemetary offers, its an evergreen blanket with bright red flowers and bows. After I talked to the lady in the office and wrote the check, I thought to myself, that's all I get to do for Cash this year for Christmas, our first Christmas without him. And then, IT hit. I haven't had an "uncontrolled emotional event" (aka crying) in quite a while, but I had it. Sadness is not my emotion. I don't understand it. I like anger. Anger I can turn in to something good. I can deal with anger, I can focus, I can get busy with anger as the force. I can't do anything with sadness, but be sad. This is no good for me. I have to be able to vent an emotion in a physical or verbal way. I can't quite figure out how to do this with sadness, so I just don't do sad. I wait until sad turns into anger and then I use it for good. One thing about grieving is that its different for everyone. Jason's grieving is not the same as mine. One thing I have learned is that my body will take over and not let me do what I need to do. If I come home from work and sit down, I fall asleep. I have been told this is my body's way of compensating for the emotional and physical stress I have put is through over the past year. So what is Stacie's answer to this - don't sit down. It's seems like a logical answer to me, right? But eventually, I have to stop and sit down. The really weird thing is, I don't sleep that well at night. I can't fix this process, I can't research what is going to happen next and I don't like it. So I guess I will let go of some of my control issues and try to go with the flow.
Cash's birthday is coming up and I am getting anxious. I am taking that day off and going to Children's to take some toys and birthday cake. I know that may seem weird, but it's like a birthday cake for all the birthday's they help people celebrate. I am having a lady from Ames make the cake. I have told her what I am looking for and then started to tell her why, and she said "Oh, I know who you are, you don't have to explain". WHAT? My world was so little for 6 months, I forget people know who Cash is. So we are taking a birthday cake that is "so Cash".
Hmmm, I just realize I 've been sitting here for about 15 minutes and am not tired. Maybe when I sit, I need to blog...............