Haven't been on much - Sorry! I had a rough day on Wednesday. Someone once told me the grief would just hit right out of the blue for no reason. Me, being the type-A planner that I am thought "no way!". It does. It is overwhelming, I can't even explain how it feels. It is just this sudden heart ripping pain, and crying that won't stop and anger, and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! Oh my gosh, it was just unbelievable. I don't want to do it again. I am a very positive person and I don't get overly emotional about things, and this was all types of emotions that I had no control over. It all lasted about 15 minutes but, trust me, that was long enough. Luckily, it didn't last into the next day, it was over with. Thank goodness.
I am finally almost finished with the thank you notes, I think it will be right around 250 to 300 that get sent out. I have to get that done by this weekend. It's starting to warm up so I know we will start being gone more on the weekends doing things with Haylie. She got to spend the night with some friends on Thursday night and made it all the way through the night!!!! This was a big step for her. She hasn't been able to stay the night since Cash passed away.
On an awesome note, I went to give blood on Thursday and found out that I am CMV negative. That means that I my blood is considered "baby blood" and will only be given to babies. This is so cool, because when Cash had to get blood he had to get 90, Leuko-depleted, irradiated, CMV negative, O Positive. So score, I can give blood and it might go to ped's cancer patients!
Please pray for our dear friends the Zeka's. Their precious daughter Sicily is starting her journey home and her family needs prayers for peace and understanding. They have a strong faith in the Lord and are as comfortable as they can be with this part of things. They have watched Sicily fight much longer than we witnessed Cash's fight, and they know that Sicily will be going home. My momma heart aches for them, but my Christian heart is rejoicing knowing that God will soon be receiving another one of His most wonderful creations.
Keep praying!

Just a quick post tonight. I had a friend of mine post something awesome on her caringbridge and I tried to copy it over here, well, apparently my brain is fried from actually being at work for almost 2 full weeks and I couldn't get it pasted so I will try to do it later.
It has been a very eventful week. They had a fundraiser for us on Saturday and the turnout was awesome! We were absolutely amazed at the number of people that showed up. It was a woman's 6-on-6 bb tournament. It was so much fun to watch!
On Monday I found out that someone had taken Cash's temporary marker from his grave site, so I put a little notice out on facebook, needless to say, the next day it had reappeared. Jason and I received our thumbies today. These are silver pendants that have Cash's hand print engraved in them. They look so good! I'm so happy we went ahead and ordered them. We have been keeping ourselves very busy in the evenings as this still seems to be the roughest time for us. We are both working out now at the gym, and I have found it is a great way to take out my frustrations.
That's all for tonight, I am getting ready to head to the gym for my evening workout and girl time.
Keep praying!

What a busy week it has been. About Wednesday I was able to finally get back into the swing of things at work and work somewhat at full speed. I found out two very sad pieces of news this week. My friend Shannon's little boy Kaden has relapsed and he now has a second tumor in his brain. He is the little boy that has the same type of cancer that Cash had. Also, this week I finally got caught up on some Caring Bridge sites and our dear friend Sicily has also relapsed. My heart is absolutley breaking for these two children. It just infuriates me that children are dying from this disease. How does this happen? I don't understand why this is happening and why there isn't more research done for pediatric cancer. Well, I know why, because there isn't any money for pediatric cancer research. OMG, come on! WHY,WHY,WHY! OK enough for my rant.
I can't really tell if I am having a hard time with this or not. I am really avoiding looking at Cash's pictures, so I don't know if that is normal or not. We are staying super busy and we haven't really been home a lot, so I think that is helping with some things. I know we can't do this forever, because I will tell you by Thursday night, I was pretty worn out. Today we are going to a woman's 6 on 6 basketball tournament the women of Major County have organized to help raise money for us for Cash' medical expenses. Yesterday I found it bizarre that I recieved sympathy cards in the mail and bills from OU. I don't know why I thought it was weird. I mean the bills aren't going to stop just because Cash isn't here anymore. I dreamt all night about bills coming in. Of course when I get medical bills in I analyze them against the insurance company's EOB and make sure the insurance company paid correctly and the billing department has billed me correctly. So all night in my dreams I was analyzing Cash's medical bills. UGH.
Last night we went to Cafe Bahnoff in Waynoka to eat German food for Jason's birthday. We had a great time!!!! The food was wonderful, the beer was great and the company was fantastic. Because Jason and I haven't been able to spend any time together just the two of us for the past 7 months, we have taken advantage of little times when we can. Last Saturday we had Jason's mom watch Haylie so we could go out and eat and then go get groceries. Doesn't sound like much of a date night to some people, but for us it was great. For the last 7 months all of my energy has gone to taking care of Cash and making sure Haylie's life was somewhat normal. When this happens something gets left out! I have to tell you I can't remember the last time we went out to eat and it was just the two of us. I really enjoyed it.
Well, that's all for right now, I have to get the princess a bath and get ready to head to Fairview to watch some basketball.
Keep praying !

Wow!! A full workday after almost a month off of work, I am pooped!! I was able to kind of jump back into the swing of things, but I know I wasn't at my previous 100%. I'm hoping I start picking back up this week. Haylie had a great day at school and dance, Jason had a great day at work, tonight we are getting ready to go to the gym. I have to get healthy and get back in shape. It's going to be a busy week both personal and professional. I have a luncheon tomorrow for nursing students and then I have to go to settle up some things with Cash's arrangements. This weekend is Jason's birthday, and the benefit basketball game for Cash. Sunday we are getting ready for the festicle next weekend and have to get ready for another work week. Ahhhh, normal.