Vacations over

Well, today is the last day of vacation. We finished the girls' room on Friday and everything is done. Today is church and trying to get the rest of my house in order from vacation and getting ready to go back to work. Jake and I went with a group of people on the bikes yesterday to Pop's in Arcadia. It was a really great ride. On the way, I started thinking, it has been almost 5 months since Cash passed away. It doesn't seem like that long, and some days it seems like it has been forever. The reality of it all still doesn't seem real sometimes.
We received a notice in the mail the other day telling us that Haylie needs her immunizations brought up to date. UGH! I threw away all of Cash's EMLA cream. I wish I still had it so I could numb her legs before she got her shots. We haven't told her yet, we may do that towards the end of summer vacation.
Back to vacation. We had a blast at Six Flags. I did however wake up the night after and think "what did I do" because of riding the Superman Tower of Power and the Titan. I guess I can say that I rode them. It was a ton of fun and we had a really good time. My little daredevil LOVED the roller coasters and is ready to go back. She is such a funny little girl! We practically had to force her on the first ride, but after that she was all about all the rides she could get on.
Time to get the family around for church, hope you all have a great day.

Somebody actually had the audacity to say to me "why are you taking a vacation, you just had a bunch of time off". REALLY? WHATEVER! So anyway, we leave for 3 days then come home and HAVE to get the girls' room ready. We start our classes soon so that means our homestudy could happen at anytime and I HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING DONE. Jason and I said today, that means that in just 2 months, we could be done with everything and be ready to bring our daughter home.
We are going to clinic and the hospital tomorrow. We are taking some pull tabs to the clinic for a friend of ours, bandaids for the kiddos, and goodies for Cash's girlfriends. Part of me still really feels the need to be there. I guess this is normal.
I find I have no patience for stupidity or ignorance these days. Maybe this will pass soon. I also have absolutley no patience for people who scream hateful things at their children. I never really have, but it has been a very low tolerance level lately. So no WalMart for me for a while. '
OK here comes the soul bearing moment. I feel really bad for admitting this but here goes. I am having trouble praying. I can pray with my brain, but have a hard time praying with my heart. Does this make sense? I am getting better, and I think that being able to admit this means I am realizing this is something I need to work on. I know that the devil has been taking advantage of this situation and that just makes me mad, that I have allowed my self to become weak when I shouldn't have allowed it. I can't even say I'm mad at God, I just don't know how to explain it. I guess I want my answer to "Why" and I know its not my question to have answered yet, but my type-A personality doesn't accept that. I am getting better. I find that I pray better on the back of the bike when Jake and I go for rides. Those loud pipes seem to help drown out the other thoughts and I can pray with my heart then.
So prayers please. For me.
Prayers for us and a safe journey, and prayers that God places a child with us that is an "easy" fit for them and us. We know whatever child we get is one that God knows should be with us.
Thanks for everything!