Catch up time.

So here we go again... I always say I'm going to better at keeping this updated. So since the last update here we go.......
1. We got a new addition to our family. She officially became ours on May 24th and he name is Sydnie Michelle. She is eight years old,getting ready to turn nine.

2. Jason got a new job! Yea! He works longer hours. Boo! The pay is better. Yea!

3. I still struggle. I miss Cash. I know that is only normal, but in my struggle I'm finding more strength.

4. I'm still working on my book. It's not easy, and I feel I really need to be in the right place spiritually to be able to complete it. That's why it is taking so long.

5. My diet starts today! I am officially the biggest I have ever been, I'm not happy and since I can't work out anymore because Jason get's up so early, I have to do the whole diet thing. I can't do what I did last year and work my tail off and eat whatever I want. BOO!

6. I am really going to try to get better at blogging. It's a really great release and much cheaper than therapy.

Hello, again

There comes times in our lives and in our healing, that we have to take a step back and just "be". I have had to do that. I was becoming so immersed in trying to make time slow down and try to make us stop moving so far from where Cash was I was losing myself. It wasn't good. It came down to one day, or night, when I was going to bed and I couldn't remember the last time I prayed. OH NO! So I tried to pray, but couldn't pray with my heart. OH NO! There were several other things going on with my life, that I'm not going to share, but I realized I was in a place that was not good. There are only about four people that know exactly what I'm talking about. So now it's about three months from my "bottom" and I can say, "Whew, it's good to be back!" I'm still struggling with some things, but I am very hopeful and my spirit is good.

I have started doing a lot of wondering and realization about my faith. The other day I went for a ride with Jason on the bike. Many of you know, this is where I pray the best! So I prayed for protection for all of us out on the bikes and I prayed for protection for Haylie that day. I'm a worrier, and if she is not with me I worry a lot if she is OK. I don't apologize for this, and I don't think any parent that has had a child go to heaven would apologize for worrying about the child that is with them. I prayed for God to send his angels to protect her and to keep her safe all day. That's it. All day long I was at peace. How awesome is our God! To give me peace and to take my worry. But then I realized, this is faith. It is asking God to protect someone or to heal someone and then turning it all over to Him, not to keep any of it for ourselves. How many times in our walk do we pray for healing and still worry if it will happen? How many times do we worry about our job and about what other people think about us? Why do we worry about things that don't matter? How many times do you drive by the car dealerships and covet the cars in the lot. Wanting = Coveting. Do I want a new Tahoe, two months ago, yes. Today, no. I am happy to have the vehicle I have because it is great. Do I want the 2500 square foot house so my family and friends would be impressed with how well I have done? Two months ago, yes. Today, no. I'm happy with my 1200 square foot house that was my grandparents. This is where my daughter learned to walk, its where we brought our son home, its where we have made our family memories. Before that, it's where we had family Thanksgivings with Grandma and shared laughs, smiles and hugs. No I love my house and it is perfect for us.
Luke 12:15 says "Then he said,"Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own." How do you measure your life? If you measure it by how much you own, you are poor. If you measure your life by your works and your faith, you are rich! I am rich.
I feel the path I have been chosen to walk has blessed me beyond measure. How lucky am I to have been chosen to be Haylie and Cash's mom. I see riches in life that many people don't. My wealth is in my daughter's smile and her laugh. My reward is her praying heart and an understanding of being a Christian at the age of 7 that most adults don't have. My comfort is knowing my son is healed and he is just fine, and I don't worry about him any more. My peace is God's grace. It comforts me and I am thankful. My conviction is what helps guide me. How great it would be without conviction! But that will happen when I go home, I cannot walk this earth without conviction. I am thankful for that conviction.
This week I am hopeful, and I like feeling hopeful.

Long time no see!

It has been exactly 7 months since my last post. A lot has happened, not so much in the physical but in the emotional. We have completed all of our adoption paperwork and have bee approved to adopt, now we are just waiting for a "match". We have actually matched twice by our case worker, but the child's caseworker did not pick us to match with the child. It is a long, drawn out, confusing process but we are rolling along.

We successfully made it past our one year mark since Cash's passing. A lot of intense feelings happened during that time and a lot of anger, which is why I quit posting. I can't even describe the amount of anger that consumed me, but I was NEVER angry at God. I was just angry. I had no patience for anyone or anything. But I am over that now. Thank goodness, I don't like being angry all the time. I like angry in small doses, I can ball it up and use it for good, but I can't do angry all the time. It's exhausting.

On to other things. We have been very busy this summer and we are all gearing up for school. We have completed Relay for Life again and are in the process of gearing up for our second Poker Run and planning for much success. We have also been able to tell Cash's story and use our experience to help raise money for the Toby Keith OK Kids Korral. A house for families of children fighting cancer to stay while they are fighting. It has been the best thing for us as far as healing and being able to do something good.

Hope to be able to update on more later!

Hugs

I have been thinking about this post a lot lately. Actually for about 3 weeks. I have been waiting to post it, wondering if I even should but it has been on my mind almost daily. So you know, I have to share.

The Bible gives us a vision, the best that human writers can do, of what Heaven looks like. "In my Father's house, there are many mansions", "streets of gold", etc. So in our feeble, little human minds, we have a picture of what we think Heaven might look like (I say feeble and little with the utmost respect, but we cannot even fathom the greatness of Heaven) I have a vision of Cash's Heaven. In his Heaven, there is green grass with a swing set (specifically asked for by his sister), and I have pictured him several times, running into Jesus' arms upon his arrival home. I guess that's what made me start wondering this question. What do you think Heaven feels like?

Have you ever wondered that? I haven't. Not until I pictured Cash getting a hug from Jesus. What a wonderful hug that must be. My Grandma Patton gave the best hugs in the world. I used to tell people when she would hug me, it wouldn't be with just her arms, it would be with her whole body and it would be nothing but pure love in that hug. I miss my Grandma's hugs. I started thinking about my favorite feelings. Warm (not hot) sunny days, the feeling of Haylie snuggling with me, my husbands big arms holding me close, hopping in the farm truck with my dad (yes, it does have a feel), laughing with my sister, my mom - just all of my mom, that comforting feel from her. I would think that Heaven would feel like all of the best things ever. Think about that for a minute. All of the best feelings you have ever felt, in the most beautiful place you can't even imagine. How awesome is that. I haven't study it yet, but so far, I haven't found a place in the Bible that says what Heaven feels like. I know in Revelation it says there is no more pain and no more tears (Jeremy Camp did a song on this, one of my favorites), but I guess there was no way to put it in words when the words of the Bible were written. Thinking on this, there may not be a way it could ever be explained, it would have to be experienced. After experiencing what I think Heaven would feel like, how could you ever be satisfied here?

This question in my mind has caused me to do a lot of thinking on feelings. There is a quote that says "People won't remember what you said, or what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel". I question how I make people feel. I am starting to hold myself accountable on how I speak and the words I use. I guess the filter is fitting a little better and more secure.

Just a little of my thoughts for your day!

Talent

My facebook status today was sent to me by a friend who sends me verses every morning. There they are, waiting for me when I get to work, and I steal them to share on Facebook. Today's verse was - Serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received. 1Peter 4:10. I had to chuckle, because taped to my computer is another saying "Your talent is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God". If you come into my office, you will find sayings random places all over. On my desk, on my book shelf, on my walls. Even if you come into my home, you will find sayings all over! Some are funny and some are ones I have had for a very long time, but all of them have a special meaning or memory. But the "talent" saying is taped on my computer monitor so I see it every day. I probably spend 95% of my day looking at my computer tracking applications, e-mailing (and e-mailing and e-mailing) so I think it is an appropriate place for this particular saying. I need reminders. I learned at a very early age that when the day of judgement comes, I will have to answer for my life. I WILL be ashamed of things, as we all will, so as I learn more in my Christian life I learn there is a lot of responsibility with being a Christian. My Pastor said one time, "When we get to Heaven, we want to be greeted by our Savior saying 'Welcome Home, good and faithful servant'". WOW! So what am I doing with the gifts God has given me? Am I doing enough? Am I using these gifts in the way God wants me to? Am I being a good example to those around me? Coach Stoops has been given a talent. What is he doing with that talent? I can tell you! He is using his talent to be a coach. As a coach he is able touch the lives of thousands of people all across the state. As this celebrity, he is able to help raise money for children's cancer research. But most of all, he uses his talent to visit children and families and TO PRAY FOR THEM. I have NEVER been afraid to speak in front of people. Speaking to a crowd of 5 or 500 makes me no difference. So during my life I have had jobs where I speak in front of large groups of people. I have had the chance to speak to groups of people about Cash's life and give my testimony. If through telling Cash's story and how the power of prayer works, and how blessed I am, can help one person know Christ, then I hope God is pleased with how I am using the talent He blessed me with.


So my challenge to you - Use your talent! It is a gift to you, from God. What are you going to do with your talent?

For my friends - The mom's who have fought, who are fighting and who I admire.

The Chosen Mothers

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard.”

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, “Give her a child with cancer.” The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly” smiles God, “Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.” "But, does she have patience?” asks the angel.

“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it.”

“I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has its own world. She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But, Lord, I don’t think she believes in you.” "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.” The angel gasps – “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see…ignorance, cruelty, prejudice…and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side.”

“And what about her patron Saint?” asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, “A mirror will suffice.”


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Hoarders and motivation

I am OBSESSED with the show Hoarders. I LOVE IT and they had two hours of it on last night. When I watch this show, I can feel the stress come in and I can't not watch it. So I got home from work tonight and completely cleaned out my utility room. The cabinets above my dryer had become a catch all for the family to put things. Not any more!!! I have CLEANED! It's like my new happy place!!!! So tomorrow is work out night, Thursday is planned, Friday is another work out night and then Saturday, I have nothing planned, so it's more cleaning! YEA! YEA! YEA! YEA! Oh, and I cleaned out Haylie's clothes tonight too! I love organization, I love having everything in its place and I live with two people who don't share this same priority. So Saturday is cleaning out the kitchen and throwing things away!!! If I can keep Jason out and Haylie out, I will be able to get rid of things we have not used in years. If they are in the kitchen with me, they will say "No, we have to keep that". So see then Sunday, when we go trick or treating we can come home to an entirely clean and organized house. Monday, I've taken the day off of work to go to Children's in OKC. Monday would be Cash's 2nd Birthday. It's very hard to know your child's birthday is coming up and not be able to throw a party or buy presents. So, I am celebrating the 1st anniversary of Cash's 1st Birthday. I have asked a lady to make a cake that is a sock monkey holding a cheese puff. We (me, my mom and Tana) will be taking the cake to Children's to celebrate with all the people that helped us get to his first birthday. Jason thinks its weird I am doing this, but I have to do something. I need to do something. I want to have a birthday cake for his birthday, and I want to celebrate that we got to have a first birthday. So a sock monkey cake it is!!! I will try to post pics later.
Well, it's been an eventful day, an accomplished day and a very blessed day.
Hope everyone has a great week!\